Don't control anger, embrace it

If you look deep within my soul, you will find a beast locked in a cage. It is not from this world and it stares at you with glaring red eyes. It wears no clothes and is chained. I've tried to suppress it and tell it that it's not capable of killing but it only enrages it even more. It will go out of it's way to prove that it's alive and it will manifest itself in often destructive ways such as violence. 

I've learned that controlling anger is only a temporary solution to a larger problem. The more i tried to control my anger, the more frightened this side of myself became and enraged it became. That being said, the solution is to release the anger from the dark depths of the cage you keep within your soul. 

Cut the chains, clothe this part of yourself, take care of it - learn to love it. I understand the thought of doing this may frighten you if you suffer from anger problems but the more freedom you give the animal from within - the more tame it will be. Be affectionate towards this side of yourself when it misbehaves rather than fear it. 

Accept that you as a whole are worthy of love and compassion. Rather than deny that this side of yourself exists, let it out. Nurture it and let it express itself in healthier ways such as art rather than in destructive ones.  

My experience with Islamic terrorism

I spent another day as a 13 year old boy tuning into another news broadcast of the events around 9/11 and the Middle east. It was one of the most painful, angering, and frustrating experience i've ever had. Another U.S politician gets away with murder in the name of democracy and what is best for America. At one point, i didn't need to read articles because pictures like Guantanamo bay spoke for themselves. American officials humiliated and tortured already captured terrorists. American politicians and other senators got away with these crimes due to their "patriotic" services. Is this the justice that America professes to fight for?

I soon learned that America lied to the people about it's political agenda. I don't remember exactly how it began, but i stumbled across the world of Islamic extremism. They preached about a noble cause against America and any other nation seeking to oppose them. I suspected there was some truth as America invaded the middle east and as a result, violated Muslim holy land. I was swayed by the Islamic ideology as i saw the American flag being burned and the proclamations that America would pay for it's crimes. I viewed footage of the Islamic holy warriors courageously fight against American troops. When i saw terrorists like Al Queda fight, i saw loyalty and brotherhood. I saw a sense of belonging where faithful Muslims could demonstrate their faith to Allah by killing and dying for their cause. When i witnessed terrorist beheadings, i saw vigilante justice fulfilled. 

Over time, i was persuaded by the Islamic holy war against America and started fantasizing about being a terrorist. I fantasized about bringing a gun to school, taking hostages, making demands from the authorities, and executing students on camera if my demands weren't met. I also planned on how i'd steal a gun away from an officer with a knife. I began to sense a change but i felt brainwashed and could do nothing. It was as if i was being mind-controlled by the media and propaganda. 

I suddenly stumbled across a terrorist site promoting radical Islam online. I saw my opportunity to be recruited within the ranks of Islamic extremists. All i had to do was send an email and it would begin. I already began preparing for "Jihad" against America. I was starting to learn Arabic and about various weapons. As an adult, i could see myself secretly ordering the components to make bombs. My brother was concerned about the change in me as it began to surface when i smiled towards attacks on American civilians. He quickly told my mother about what i had been doing but she didn't know what to make of it. 

I thought about the consequences that i would face should i become an enemy to America. I knew that i'd be put on death row for treason but i didn't care. I've seen too many injustices to be concerned with my own life. I believed that my faith in God would reward me in the after-life. In addition, i was too angry at the injustices committed by this country. I swore that one day, i'd personally barge into the White House and execute those Americans responsible for the atrocities against Muslims in the Middle east. I hated America and everything it stood for. I was ready to surrender everything including my family and Christianity for this cause. I wanted to prove to Islamic extremists that i was fit for a leadership role. To prove my fierce devotion, i almost committed several murders to conceal my identity as i ran from the police. 

After that, i'd become a terrorist in the battlefield. I would plot to leak all information i could get my hands on to terrorist organizations outside the U.S. It ranged from national defenses, security, sophisticated ways to get into the country, technology, weapons, money, you name it. I also plotted several attacks in my head. I'd become an executioner and thought i was doomed forever until one incident. I was changing out of my black shirt and it accidentally got stuck as i was taking it off. I looked into the mirror and was terrified. I saw a glimpse of my future self - a cold-blooded murderer consumed by death and destruction. This wasn't the future that i envisioned. One day, my mom talked to me about what Jesus preached about loving and forgiving your enemies. I soon realized that everything i planned was all wrong. I could no longer be apart of this and slowly recovered from the effects of manipulation.

After that, i realized the Islamic extremists were lying to me. Their aim was not of a religious cause, but a purely political one. Their groups spread nothing but pure hatred, deceit, murder, and destruction. This made me question all governments and organizations. Despite all that i've learned, my aim is to warn people of the dangers in Islamic extremism. Their goal is to manipulate others under the disguise of righteousness, justice, and religion. My experience will not motivate me to be a political activist, but it has encouraged me to help the world in my own way. I realized that any government that triumphs over another through violence is bound to fail but the one who accomplishes it through peace lasts forever. If we want wars to end, we must stop resorting to violence as a solution. Instead, we ought to seek love and forgiveness in order to be free from the evil within. 

Why i am alone

I rushed to bed and roared as loudly as i could. My roars were so fierce, intense, and powerful, i don't think any human could've made them. It left my sister paralyzed with fear in the other room and scared passerbys near my house. They were full of rage, pain, despair, and anguish. I cried myself to sleep with damaged vocal chords.

Why? Because i let my selfishness and anger ruin my friendship with a former crush. I tried to force her to love me at her own expense. I sunk in a deep depression, pain, low self esteem, bitterness, anger, and agony.

I could not bear the grief and loss. I lost all trust in myself and others. I lost faith in humanity. I lost faith in love. I kept punishing myself with the guilt of my past wrongs. I decided i would never love another woman again. Because of this one incident, i believed i was unworthy of romantic love. I reflected on all of my past experiences with women and they were nothing more than temporary flings. They all had one special person in their lives to run after. I waited for true love to come into my life ever since i was a child. I waited for someone to confess her love for me and help me grow but that person never came. Why should i keep waiting for love when it doesn't wait for me? When people come to me confessing their attractions for me, i just cannot return their feelings. Nevertheless, i blamed myself for not being attracted to them as an immature young man. I'm sure there are some women who are attracted to me as we speak but i ask myself: Why do i have to make the first move? So i can be rejected again? Why don't they confess to me for a change?

Despite my anger, i care about them. Sometimes i fantasize about tenderly caressing them, stroking their delicate faces, sharing intimate moments, loving them through the good and bad. I want to tell them how i feel about them but then i remember that it's all fantasy. We are in two worlds separated by a barrier and we can only place our hands on it. They cannot cross into my world because they are already devoted to their world - marriage, careers, ambitions, etc. We wonder "if only the circumstances were different, what kind of lovers would we be?" but they're not. Each time i reach out for a woman, she is stripped away from me. The cruel illusions that my mind feed me disappear and i am left with the painful reality that we were never meant to be together. Though i am fond of them, i only wish they would never know that i long for a deep intimacy with them. Because of the pain, loneliness, rage, and fear i keep buried deep within. Because i am afraid of losing them in my life. I cannot bear them seeing me suffer because i am afraid of hope, love, and closeness.

These incidents didn't just affect my outlook on relationships, but also friendships and family. I've been betrayed by family and friends many times. I fantasized about having life-long friendships and those were stripped away as well by the reality of who they are. So much trauma clouded my vision of what real friendships and relationships ought to look like. It feels the people in my life want to change who i am into a superficial version of who they want me to be. I've been betrayed and lied to by the people who were supposed to love me. Despite this, i opened up to them with the hopes that we could reconcile and improve our relationship. I told them about my suppressed hurts and they refuse to see they are wrong. My hopes turn into falsehoods so what am i to believe? Who am i to trust?

To destroy the illusions, i show the sides of me people fear. The sides of me people don't want to know. To see if they would still love and accept me. I keep going farther and farther to see how much they love me still. Nonetheless my desire for human connection is fading. I've grown distant from everyone in my life to keep the pain of betrayal away. I've grown cold to everyone around me but there's still a small part of me that is still fighting. It's still fighting for some hope that i can one day find the love of my life. That there is still hope of being able to strengthen my bonds with others.

When i was a child, i was once very social but i've seen too much that keeps me from trusting others again. For a period in my life, i wanted to be alone until i realized the importance of companionship. I look back at the memories i felt most happiest with friends and family. I wanted to feel loved and cherished, but there's still a fear i keep. I'm afraid that i was trying to use them to fill the emptiness and loneliness i have inside. I feel like going back to my former self. The person who didn't need anyone to survive. The person who only used others for his own personal benefit because that's how the world works. Everything we do for others is ultimately about ourselves - our choices, abilities, self esteem, dreams, passions, what we have to gain or lose, and so on. Sometimes i wish that i could grow numb to both emotional pleasure and pain. I was stronger that way because i was immune to hurtful words and actions. I didn't need to depend on others for my own self worth. I once wanted to live a life where i would be loved by those who were important to me. Now, i wish to die in a pit alone and forgotten by everyone.

If only i could just accept and love myself, this would all go away. I could be happy. I could be free. I could trust and be connected to those i love...but i can't. I am reminded of my weaknesses and that's all i can focus on. If your reading this, know that it's not your fault if i choose the path of loneliness and forget about you. Just take comfort that you did your best to support me.

My dream of being a soldier

When i was younger, i looked up to the army as a source of inspiration. I believed America was a country of bravery, heroism, patriotism, loyalty, respect, honor, and dignity. When i looked at the army, i saw brotherhood through every struggle and this inspired me.

Why the army? Because i realized i had a propensity for violence. If i could channel this inclination for the good of American citizens, i could be loved and accepted by my country. I fantasized about assassinating others and overcoming obstacles in my way such as torture. There was a period in my life when i thought of my body as a mechanical tool for destruction.

I wanted to be highly respected. I wanted to live and die by the principles of America. I wanted a purpose for being or so i thought. Slowly, i realized that i turned bloodthirsty. I turned brutal and cared more about killing. I got the thrill and adrenaline of continually brutalizing my enemies.

It was then that i realized that this wasn't the life i wanted. When i saw the atrocities committed by this country, i cried in my bed. I've personally spoken to former soldiers in the army and their accounts changed my mind. They talked about how despite the traumatic experiences they had in war, the government betrayed them. They received no benefits as they were promised. They were abandoned in the name of democracy. The more i saw the army's work, the more i realized they were not what the government depicted. There was nothing more than corruption, deceit, murder, rape, and senseless violence. The army's purpose was nothing more than political gain. Patriotism, loyalty, courage, all the values i had were all propaganda. They were all lies to lure young people like me into the frontlines of war.

I was hurt. I felt betrayed and lied to by the country i wanted to protect. I've seen several veterans with prosthetic feet and limbs. Why? Why must people throw their lives away so carelessly? What was it all for? No money, power, prestige, education, and respect is worth other lives. What about the wars that our loved ones face on a daily basis? Why are we going to fight battles overseas when we ignore those that exist in our own homes? My family is content with how life is in the present and wouldn't want me to suffer far from home. It is argued that war is a necessary evil but it is still evil. It feels that people have forgotten diplomacy and instead choose to justify war when disaster strikes.

I gave up this dream career because i valued myself and my loved ones more than war. I learned how to cherish my health and loved ones. I learned that no money or fame is worth human life. If my enemies were to destroy my country, i'd spend my last moments with my loved ones than resort to violence.

Tips on finding your real friends

With the rise of social media, the definition of a friend has changed dramatically. Many have forgotten what it means to establish genuine friendships. With just a click of a button, you can accept or end a friendship. This is problematic because many people have forgotten what a true friend means. The internet is changing one of the most basic social bonds in our lives. If you are confused as to who your true friends are, here's several tips to help you:

* What values do you share? - What are values that you uphold? Are you honest, kind, compassionate, loving, respectful? If you are, you will likely attract people who are also the same. Demonstrate that you have these values and sooner or later, you will win friends.

* What are your goals? - What are things you want to accomplish in life? What experiences do you share with others? What attitudes do you show on a daily basis? If you have common dreams with others, you will unite with them.

* Common interests - Friends share similar hobbies such as making music, playing games, sports, and so forth. It's what strengthens bonds between friends. If your friends aren't interested in learning about your passions, they're not your real friends.

* Real friends support you - Your real friends have your back even when they have nothing to gain. Fake friends are only there when it benefits them and when it doesn't, they abandon you. Fake friends cut you out of their lives when you make mistakes, but real friends support you. They give you advice and give insights into what you did wrong. They are there to listen.

* Real friends are loyal - Your real friends will always make time for you. They won't make excuses for why they can't talk to you. They will make an effort to stay in your life. If there are conflicts, they will resolve them with you. If you have friends who won't do this, it means they don't value the friendship enough to resolve them. When disaster strikes, fake friends will be the first to betray you so they can get to safety.

* Fake friends disrespect you - They will constantly tease you and make you feel worse about yourself. They will laugh at you rather than with you. False friends will gossip about you behind your back. True friends on the other hand don't do this. They will boost your confidence.

You can't be popular with everyone. I find that most often, the people who have tons of friends are insecure. They want to be desperately liked by everyone so they will compromise their standards for popularity. They want to fill a void within themselves. After all, who wouldn't? Even the most famous celebrities suffer from low self esteem. There is only way to gain confidence and that's not through being popular. How can you boost your confidence?

* Destroy toxic friendships - I suffered from depression and low self esteem, blaming myself for whatever went wrong. It was then that i realized to break that cycle, i had to change the environment i was in. Since then, i started cutting fake friends out of my life and my confidence improved. To be confident, socialize with confident people. Stop hanging around people who have nothing to contribute but negativity. Stop hanging around people who don't give you a second thought during the day. People who will only support you when the price is right are people you are better off without. Take control of your life and befriend successful people working to see you succeed.

* Avoid disloyal people - When you've wronged your friend, make amends but don't make excuses for them. They are just as responsible for their actions as you are. Why invest so much energy and time on someone who does not give you the slightest thought? It is sad to see a friendship ruined but it takes two to build one. You control your own actions, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. You learn from your past mistakes and leave them in the past. They don't define who you are. You are the person who grew wiser because of them. If someone cannot accept the reality that we all make mistakes, it is his or her own problem. When you did all you could do to resolve conflict among friends and they don't respond, free yourself from guilt. No amount of hurt can keep a friendship from being destroyed. If someone refuses to befriend you because of one incident, it's their choice.    

* Improve your current ones - Stay in contact with your current friends. Be supportive of them by giving them advice and being there to listen. Resolve conflicts and set healthy boundaries. When you keep giving to others, you will receive and be a better person.

* Make new friends - You must trust in your ability to establish friendships with new people. Step out of your comfort zone and be engaging with others. Begin by finding similar interests and establishing solid communication. Keep them in contact.

In time, you will realize who your real friends are and who aren't. Subscribe and let me know your thoughts below.

Tips on being a better teacher

There are many people, including teachers who struggle with being excellent educators. Mastering material and helping others learn is only a fraction of what teaching is about. For every profession, there's always room for improvement. Teaching is more complicated than anyone realizes. Nonetheless there's several tips on how to master the art of teaching:

* Always be patient - NEVER yell or show your frustration with your students. If you do, your students will feel discouraged and not want to learn the subject again. it will also reflect poorly on your reputation as others may not recommend you as a teacher. Realize that everyone has their own pace of learning. Some are slower at learning than others. Everyone has their internal and external obstacles they must overcome at their own speed. Impatience will only hinder progress.

* Learn how your students work - Humans are not robots. You can't simply give them information and expect them to understand with each passing lesson. Humans have their own unique methods of learning. Some learn better by observing with their sight and others with their ears. You must be wise in your methods of teaching as the subject matter you are teaching. By learning how your students receive information, you can figure out the most effective method of teaching them.

* Show no favoritism - Favoritism will cause rivalries and discouragement. When you enter the teaching world, forget about all of past friendships and family members. Pretend as if you know nothing about each person. Treat everyone with equality and respect. Build a special relationship with each one of your students. Recognize that each student has something valuable and essential to contribute to the world.

* Let your students make mistakes - Making mistakes is one of the best choices your students can make. Why? Because it allows them to see where they need to improve. Making mistakes lets students gain wisdom of the subject being studied.

* Give your students independence - Allow your students to face new challenges as you see them progress. Self trust and confidence are also essential to a student's growth. Reward your students when they succeed but also correct them when they fail. The aim is to discipline and encourage your students, not punish them.

* Don't be ambiguous - Avoid using one word instructions like "power!" This doesn't explain anything. Power for what? From where? Your students aren't going to understand you if you continue being vague. Be specific but keep things as simple as possible. If you make things complicated, you overwhelm your students. Use examples as needed and encourage your students to ask questions. Give advice and explain all of the mechanics of "why?" The goal is not to simply teach students to achieve average understanding, but to master what is being learned.  

* Practice teaching others - To become a better teacher, practice teaching what you've learned. Focus on effective communication, giving analogies, using examples, having patience, disciplining your students, and yourself.

Continually practice these guidelines and watch yourself improve as a teacher. In life, you never stop learning no matter how much of a master you are.

Breaking the cycle of abuse

When i was a kid, i used to abuse girls. There was a point in life when i looked up to my father - both the good and the bad. I thought physical violence was the solution because it was the norm. Once, i laughed with him after he made a degrading comment towards my mom. After that, i started to believe that was how women are to be treated. That's how i began physically and emotionally hurting girls. It wasn't just girls that i hurt, it was family and friends. I got in trouble with my mom, teachers, and others. Even as an adult, i repeated the same pattern. I've emotionally and verbally harmed women when things didn't go my way. I've threatened them and scared them with my behavior.

I've never had much of a good role model growing up until i found Jesus. Despite this, i fear becoming like my father. I'm afraid that because of my family abuse, i'll never be able to maintain a loving relationship. I suffered from low self-esteem, depression, and this fear. This is why i distanced myself from relationships in general. I blamed my problems on my parents.

Until i realized it wasn't their fault. I stopped seeing myself as a victim. I refused to be enslaved to the past. What i learned was that i didn't have to be like my father. I was in control of my life. I could make my own choices. I could break this cycle of abuse. Breaking the cycle of abuse starts when you see that your abusive actions are wrong rather than a way of getting love. My father tried scaring me into loving him and it never worked. I always thought it was wrong. When you stand up for what is right, you free yourself from becoming an abuser.