I rushed to bed and roared as loudly as i could. My roars were so fierce, intense, and powerful, i don't think any human could've made them. It left my sister paralyzed with fear in the other room and scared passerbys near my house. They were full of rage, pain, despair, and anguish. I cried myself to sleep with damaged vocal chords.Why? Because i let my selfishness and anger ruin my friendship with a former crush. I tried to force her to love me at her own expense. I sunk in a deep depression, pain, low self esteem, bitterness, anger, and agony.
I could not bear the grief and loss. I lost all trust in myself and others. I lost faith in humanity. I lost faith in love. I kept punishing myself with the guilt of my past wrongs. I decided i would never love another woman again. Because of this one incident, i believed i was unworthy of romantic love. I reflected on all of my past experiences with women and they were nothing more than temporary flings. They all had one special person in their lives to run after. I waited for true love to come into my life ever since i was a child. I waited for someone to confess her love for me and help me grow but that person never came. Why should i keep waiting for love when it doesn't wait for me? When people come to me confessing their attractions for me, i just cannot return their feelings. Nevertheless, i blamed myself for not being attracted to them as an immature young man. I'm sure there are some women who are attracted to me as we speak but i ask myself: Why do i have to make the first move? So i can be rejected again? Why don't they confess to me for a change?
Despite my anger, i care about them. Sometimes i fantasize about tenderly caressing them, stroking their delicate faces, sharing intimate moments, loving them through the good and bad. I want to tell them how i feel about them but then i remember that it's all fantasy. We are in two worlds separated by a barrier and we can only place our hands on it. They cannot cross into my world because they are already devoted to their world - marriage, careers, ambitions, etc. We wonder "if only the circumstances were different, what kind of lovers would we be?" but they're not. Each time i reach out for a woman, she is stripped away from me. The cruel illusions that my mind feed me disappear and i am left with the painful reality that we were never meant to be together. Though i am fond of them, i only wish they would never know that i long for a deep intimacy with them. Because of the pain, loneliness, rage, and fear i keep buried deep within. Because i am afraid of losing them in my life. I cannot bear them seeing me suffer because i am afraid of hope, love, and closeness.
These incidents didn't just affect my outlook on relationships, but also friendships and family. I've been betrayed by family and friends many times. I fantasized about having life-long friendships and those were stripped away as well by the reality of who they are. So much trauma clouded my vision of what real friendships and relationships ought to look like. It feels the people in my life want to change who i am into a superficial version of who they want me to be. I've been betrayed and lied to by the people who were supposed to love me. Despite this, i opened up to them with the hopes that we could reconcile and improve our relationship. I told them about my suppressed hurts and they refuse to see they are wrong. My hopes turn into falsehoods so what am i to believe? Who am i to trust?
To destroy the illusions, i show the sides of me people fear. The sides of me people don't want to know. To see if they would still love and accept me. I keep going farther and farther to see how much they love me still. Nonetheless my desire for human connection is fading. I've grown distant from everyone in my life to keep the pain of betrayal away. I've grown cold to everyone around me but there's still a small part of me that is still fighting. It's still fighting for some hope that i can one day find the love of my life. That there is still hope of being able to strengthen my bonds with others.
When i was a child, i was once very social but i've seen too much that keeps me from trusting others again. For a period in my life, i wanted to be alone until i realized the importance of companionship. I look back at the memories i felt most happiest with friends and family. I wanted to feel loved and cherished, but there's still a fear i keep. I'm afraid that i was trying to use them to fill the emptiness and loneliness i have inside. I feel like going back to my former self. The person who didn't need anyone to survive. The person who only used others for his own personal benefit because that's how the world works. Everything we do for others is ultimately about ourselves - our choices, abilities, self esteem, dreams, passions, what we have to gain or lose, and so on. Sometimes i wish that i could grow numb to both emotional pleasure and pain. I was stronger that way because i was immune to hurtful words and actions. I didn't need to depend on others for my own self worth. I once wanted to live a life where i would be loved by those who were important to me. Now, i wish to die in a pit alone and forgotten by everyone.
If only i could just accept and love myself, this would all go away. I could be happy. I could be free. I could trust and be connected to those i love...but i can't. I am reminded of my weaknesses and that's all i can focus on. If your reading this, know that it's not your fault if i choose the path of loneliness and forget about you. Just take comfort that you did your best to support me.
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