My experience with Islamic terrorism

I spent another day as a 13 year old boy tuning into another news broadcast of the events around 9/11 and the Middle east. It was one of the most painful, angering, and frustrating experience i've ever had. Another U.S politician gets away with murder in the name of democracy and what is best for America. At one point, i didn't need to read articles because pictures like Guantanamo bay spoke for themselves. American officials humiliated and tortured already captured terrorists. American politicians and other senators got away with these crimes due to their "patriotic" services. Is this the justice that America professes to fight for?

I soon learned that America lied to the people about it's political agenda. I don't remember exactly how it began, but i stumbled across the world of Islamic extremism. They preached about a noble cause against America and any other nation seeking to oppose them. I suspected there was some truth as America invaded the middle east and as a result, violated Muslim holy land. I was swayed by the Islamic ideology as i saw the American flag being burned and the proclamations that America would pay for it's crimes. I viewed footage of the Islamic holy warriors courageously fight against American troops. When i saw terrorists like Al Queda fight, i saw loyalty and brotherhood. I saw a sense of belonging where faithful Muslims could demonstrate their faith to Allah by killing and dying for their cause. When i witnessed terrorist beheadings, i saw vigilante justice fulfilled. 

Over time, i was persuaded by the Islamic holy war against America and started fantasizing about being a terrorist. I fantasized about bringing a gun to school, taking hostages, making demands from the authorities, and executing students on camera if my demands weren't met. I also planned on how i'd steal a gun away from an officer with a knife. I began to sense a change but i felt brainwashed and could do nothing. It was as if i was being mind-controlled by the media and propaganda. 

I suddenly stumbled across a terrorist site promoting radical Islam online. I saw my opportunity to be recruited within the ranks of Islamic extremists. All i had to do was send an email and it would begin. I already began preparing for "Jihad" against America. I was starting to learn Arabic and about various weapons. As an adult, i could see myself secretly ordering the components to make bombs. My brother was concerned about the change in me as it began to surface when i smiled towards attacks on American civilians. He quickly told my mother about what i had been doing but she didn't know what to make of it. 

I thought about the consequences that i would face should i become an enemy to America. I knew that i'd be put on death row for treason but i didn't care. I've seen too many injustices to be concerned with my own life. I believed that my faith in God would reward me in the after-life. In addition, i was too angry at the injustices committed by this country. I swore that one day, i'd personally barge into the White House and execute those Americans responsible for the atrocities against Muslims in the Middle east. I hated America and everything it stood for. I was ready to surrender everything including my family and Christianity for this cause. I wanted to prove to Islamic extremists that i was fit for a leadership role. To prove my fierce devotion, i almost committed several murders to conceal my identity as i ran from the police. 

After that, i'd become a terrorist in the battlefield. I would plot to leak all information i could get my hands on to terrorist organizations outside the U.S. It ranged from national defenses, security, sophisticated ways to get into the country, technology, weapons, money, you name it. I also plotted several attacks in my head. I'd become an executioner and thought i was doomed forever until one incident. I was changing out of my black shirt and it accidentally got stuck as i was taking it off. I looked into the mirror and was terrified. I saw a glimpse of my future self - a cold-blooded murderer consumed by death and destruction. This wasn't the future that i envisioned. One day, my mom talked to me about what Jesus preached about loving and forgiving your enemies. I soon realized that everything i planned was all wrong. I could no longer be apart of this and slowly recovered from the effects of manipulation.

After that, i realized the Islamic extremists were lying to me. Their aim was not of a religious cause, but a purely political one. Their groups spread nothing but pure hatred, deceit, murder, and destruction. This made me question all governments and organizations. Despite all that i've learned, my aim is to warn people of the dangers in Islamic extremism. Their goal is to manipulate others under the disguise of righteousness, justice, and religion. My experience will not motivate me to be a political activist, but it has encouraged me to help the world in my own way. I realized that any government that triumphs over another through violence is bound to fail but the one who accomplishes it through peace lasts forever. If we want wars to end, we must stop resorting to violence as a solution. Instead, we ought to seek love and forgiveness in order to be free from the evil within. 

Why i am alone

I rushed to bed and roared as loudly as i could. My roars were so fierce, intense, and powerful, i don't think any human could've made them. It left my sister paralyzed with fear in the other room and scared passerbys near my house. They were full of rage, pain, despair, and anguish. I cried myself to sleep with damaged vocal chords.

Why? Because i let my selfishness and anger ruin my friendship with a former crush. I tried to force her to love me at her own expense. I sunk in a deep depression, pain, low self esteem, bitterness, anger, and agony.

I could not bear the grief and loss. I lost all trust in myself and others. I lost faith in humanity. I lost faith in love. I kept punishing myself with the guilt of my past wrongs. I decided i would never love another woman again. Because of this one incident, i believed i was unworthy of romantic love. I reflected on all of my past experiences with women and they were nothing more than temporary flings. They all had one special person in their lives to run after. I waited for true love to come into my life ever since i was a child. I waited for someone to confess her love for me and help me grow but that person never came. Why should i keep waiting for love when it doesn't wait for me? When people come to me confessing their attractions for me, i just cannot return their feelings. Nevertheless, i blamed myself for not being attracted to them as an immature young man. I'm sure there are some women who are attracted to me as we speak but i ask myself: Why do i have to make the first move? So i can be rejected again? Why don't they confess to me for a change?

Despite my anger, i care about them. Sometimes i fantasize about tenderly caressing them, stroking their delicate faces, sharing intimate moments, loving them through the good and bad. I want to tell them how i feel about them but then i remember that it's all fantasy. We are in two worlds separated by a barrier and we can only place our hands on it. They cannot cross into my world because they are already devoted to their world - marriage, careers, ambitions, etc. We wonder "if only the circumstances were different, what kind of lovers would we be?" but they're not. Each time i reach out for a woman, she is stripped away from me. The cruel illusions that my mind feed me disappear and i am left with the painful reality that we were never meant to be together. Though i am fond of them, i only wish they would never know that i long for a deep intimacy with them. Because of the pain, loneliness, rage, and fear i keep buried deep within. Because i am afraid of losing them in my life. I cannot bear them seeing me suffer because i am afraid of hope, love, and closeness.

These incidents didn't just affect my outlook on relationships, but also friendships and family. I've been betrayed by family and friends many times. I fantasized about having life-long friendships and those were stripped away as well by the reality of who they are. So much trauma clouded my vision of what real friendships and relationships ought to look like. It feels the people in my life want to change who i am into a superficial version of who they want me to be. I've been betrayed and lied to by the people who were supposed to love me. Despite this, i opened up to them with the hopes that we could reconcile and improve our relationship. I told them about my suppressed hurts and they refuse to see they are wrong. My hopes turn into falsehoods so what am i to believe? Who am i to trust?

To destroy the illusions, i show the sides of me people fear. The sides of me people don't want to know. To see if they would still love and accept me. I keep going farther and farther to see how much they love me still. Nonetheless my desire for human connection is fading. I've grown distant from everyone in my life to keep the pain of betrayal away. I've grown cold to everyone around me but there's still a small part of me that is still fighting. It's still fighting for some hope that i can one day find the love of my life. That there is still hope of being able to strengthen my bonds with others.

When i was a child, i was once very social but i've seen too much that keeps me from trusting others again. For a period in my life, i wanted to be alone until i realized the importance of companionship. I look back at the memories i felt most happiest with friends and family. I wanted to feel loved and cherished, but there's still a fear i keep. I'm afraid that i was trying to use them to fill the emptiness and loneliness i have inside. I feel like going back to my former self. The person who didn't need anyone to survive. The person who only used others for his own personal benefit because that's how the world works. Everything we do for others is ultimately about ourselves - our choices, abilities, self esteem, dreams, passions, what we have to gain or lose, and so on. Sometimes i wish that i could grow numb to both emotional pleasure and pain. I was stronger that way because i was immune to hurtful words and actions. I didn't need to depend on others for my own self worth. I once wanted to live a life where i would be loved by those who were important to me. Now, i wish to die in a pit alone and forgotten by everyone.

If only i could just accept and love myself, this would all go away. I could be happy. I could be free. I could trust and be connected to those i love...but i can't. I am reminded of my weaknesses and that's all i can focus on. If your reading this, know that it's not your fault if i choose the path of loneliness and forget about you. Just take comfort that you did your best to support me.

My dream of being a soldier

When i was younger, i looked up to the army as a source of inspiration. I believed America was a country of bravery, heroism, patriotism, loyalty, respect, honor, and dignity. When i looked at the army, i saw brotherhood through every struggle and this inspired me.

Why the army? Because i realized i had a propensity for violence. If i could channel this inclination for the good of American citizens, i could be loved and accepted by my country. I fantasized about assassinating others and overcoming obstacles in my way such as torture. There was a period in my life when i thought of my body as a mechanical tool for destruction.

I wanted to be highly respected. I wanted to live and die by the principles of America. I wanted a purpose for being or so i thought. Slowly, i realized that i turned bloodthirsty. I turned brutal and cared more about killing. I got the thrill and adrenaline of continually brutalizing my enemies.

It was then that i realized that this wasn't the life i wanted. When i saw the atrocities committed by this country, i cried in my bed. I've personally spoken to former soldiers in the army and their accounts changed my mind. They talked about how despite the traumatic experiences they had in war, the government betrayed them. They received no benefits as they were promised. They were abandoned in the name of democracy. The more i saw the army's work, the more i realized they were not what the government depicted. There was nothing more than corruption, deceit, murder, rape, and senseless violence. The army's purpose was nothing more than political gain. Patriotism, loyalty, courage, all the values i had were all propaganda. They were all lies to lure young people like me into the frontlines of war.

I was hurt. I felt betrayed and lied to by the country i wanted to protect. I've seen several veterans with prosthetic feet and limbs. Why? Why must people throw their lives away so carelessly? What was it all for? No money, power, prestige, education, and respect is worth other lives. What about the wars that our loved ones face on a daily basis? Why are we going to fight battles overseas when we ignore those that exist in our own homes? My family is content with how life is in the present and wouldn't want me to suffer far from home. It is argued that war is a necessary evil but it is still evil. It feels that people have forgotten diplomacy and instead choose to justify war when disaster strikes.

I gave up this dream career because i valued myself and my loved ones more than war. I learned how to cherish my health and loved ones. I learned that no money or fame is worth human life. If my enemies were to destroy my country, i'd spend my last moments with my loved ones than resort to violence.